A New Plan For Shadchanus

By Zev Adler

By now most readers are aware of the seemingly endless problems with regard to the growing singles population. One perceived problem is a notion that the fault lies with the individual who does not like being set up by a professional shadchan. Many times when a single person politely declines being set up, they are labeled as "too picky" or "not ready to date seriously". In some cases it may be true, but has it occurred to anyone that, in many cases, the person at fault is the shadchan?

Let me start by saying I have met shadchanim who do an incredible job helping people find their husband or wife. Unfortunately, many do not fall into this category.

If a blind date is set up by a close friend or family member and the shidduch leads to a marriage, is money expected to be paid to the friend or a family member? No. So, let’s call a spade a spade - being a shadchan is a business! Name any other business where: 1) There is no investment or training to get started. 2) You tell other people to do all the work and if the work does not pay off, you lose almost nothing, and there is no accountability. 3) If the work of others results in a marriage, you get paid thousands. Who wouldn’t want to be a shadchan? A shadchan doesn’t have to go on a date with a complete stranger. A shadchan doesn’t have to give up an evening, travel anywhere, or pick up a bill. A shadchan stays home and hopes the date works out! Who suffers the consequences for a bad date? The people on the date, not the shadchan.

"So Zev, do you know a better way?" As a matter of fact, I do.

If you use the argument that shadchanim are doing it for the Mitzvah and money is not an issue, then the shadchan should state from the start, "I have a girl/guy for you and if it works out, I do not want to be paid one cent."

If you use the argument that their effort is a business, fine. But let’s treat this as a business! The shadchan should state "I have a girl/guy for you. I am so sure this is the right one, I will pay you $40 to go on the date. If, and when, you get married, you pay me $5,000." (Not a bad return on the shadchan’s initial investment. If only one out of every 100 dates pays off, the shadchan will still make $1000 in the end.)

When it comes to setting people up, I practice what I preach. I tell anyone I set up the truth. "I do not know if you are going to marry this person, but I can guarantee you will have a good time on the date". I then offer $50 to the guy and say "I want to pay for your first date, and if it goes to a second date, pay me back the $50. If you get married, all I want is to be invited to the wedding." I have set up no more than 30 blind dates and I have gone to five weddings.

I have introduced this proposition over the past fifteen years to various people in various situations, with varying degrees of success. EndTheMadness.org, a popular website whose goal is "to combat the angst and hardships associated with dating in the religious Jewish community", believes in this idea enough to offer free advertising to any shadchan willing to utilize this dating formula. A number of people have adopted my idea and eagerly use this method to set up their friends; it has lead to a happier dating life and a nicer path to finding their spouses. Most shadchanim, not surprisingly, hate the idea.

If shadchanim do not do this for the money, and money is not the issue, then this system doesn’t affect them. This would only affect so-called "professional" shadchanim. Like any business, the good ones will flourish and the bad ones will go out of business. I understand the idea that "shadchanim are just trying to help", and we all appreciate it. But trust me; singles do not need as much guidance as you think they do. Sometimes, it’s the shadchanim that need the guidance!

This system will not only add much-needed professionalism to the "profession", thereby further aiding singles, but it will also be of great benefit to shadchanim! No longer will they have to cajole singles to give the date a try. Since the shadchan believes in the idea enough to stand behind it monetarily, the singles will approach the offer with a higher degree of confidence that it makes sense. Shadchanim who employ this system will find that singles will eagerly seek their services and readily take them up on their suggestions – and if the shadchan is even moderately successful, he stands to gain a significant return on his investment.

I hope shadchanim who are seriously interested in helping singles and who have confidence in their methods will realize the all-around benefits of this idea.

Shadchanim can receive free publicity on EndTheMadness for as long as they try this method by contacting admin@endthemadness.org.


Zev Adler has been actively involved helping singles improve their dating careers for the past fifteen years. He is a cofounder of Samcheinu Singles, an organization created to offer frum singles an opportunity to comfortably talk and meet one another in relaxed natural settings without any intermediaries or shadchanim.