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The most popular response to the "shidduch crisis", as with all of people's problems, is to distribute blame. The advent of Internet blogs and the continued willingness of low-rate Jewish publications to print anonymous letters have made this pastime more common and less risky than ever before. Every hothead with or without an ax to grind has his target in the crosshairs and an itchy finger on the trigger.
So who's to blame? The Rabbis! The shadchanim! The Israeli Yeshivas! The parents! The singles! The Internet! And, of course, television!
Some highly disturbed individuals have even made the claim that I and/or EndTheMadness are "part of the problem".
The day people begin to step forward, actually take responsibility for past mistakes, and commit to make things better should be declared a new Yom Tov.
I write these words because recent events (or non-events, as they were) have reinforced my nagging belief that the greatest impediment of all is widespread apathy. Yes, despite all that continues to be said and written about the "shidduch crisis", I honestly believe that hardly anyone truly cares.
I recently published a short article in the Jewish Press outlining some of ETM's accomplishments over the past few years and urging anyone with any remote interest in becoming involved, collaborating, or even just borrowing our ideas to contact me. This was a no-risk, high-reward invitation for anyone who entertained even a flickering desire to do something to connect with others and bring it to life.
I received a grand total of one response, from an event planner from a "shidduch organization" requesting suggestions for interesting events. I replied at length and never heard from them again.
A few days later I sent an e-mail to the general Kew Gardens Hills community, which is known to have a large single population, with two proposals for future events that could easily become ongoing programs. I already have a local shul that is enthusiastic about hosting the events, and am personally willing to do all the work involved with creating the events. The purpose of the e-mail was simply to canvass public opinion and ascertain potential interest in these ideas, to insure that at least a core group of people would be interested in attending. After all, I have no desire to invest time, money, and energy into events that will not be supported by the local community members.
Once again, sadly, I received a grand total of one response, from a girl who opined that a game night "sounds like fun", but $10 is "charging too much". Never mind that the proposed event included pizza and soda, and all proceeds would be donated to charity. Needless to say, I have tabled my plans to organize these events in Kew Gardens Hills. Apparently the singles events, shadchanim, and dating web sites have everyone more than satisfied...
I've also continued to receive intermittent e-mails from people requesting to be removed from the ETM mailing list, as they are now engaged or married and thus "no longer need to be on the list". This is always depressing -- not that these individuals have been fortunate to meet the right person, of course, but because they feel that now that they have escaped being single they might as well cut ties with ETM.
My response to these people is always the same: maybe you don't need ETM anymore, but maybe ETM still needs you. Maybe you don't need to be informed about our future events and other major news, but maybe you could pass on the information to others who do. And maybe, just maybe, if more people felt a responsibility to be involved even after their own personal interests are taken care of, then by the time their children are ready to get married they won't need ETM either.
People are completely apathetic. They just don't care. The only interest most people have in the "singles crisis" is when they themselves or their immediate descendants are having trouble finding a shidduch. As soon as that personal crisis is alleviated, they enter into the larger ranks of people who deny there is really a problem, dismiss it, or trivialize it.
Lehavdil, when people experience a trauma or illness, they forever feel connected with whoever else goes through a similar experience. They support and empathize with one another. Yet with the "singles crisis" the opposite is actually true. After all, every married person was once single. Regardless of how easy or difficult it was for that person to get married, he surely experienced some fear, doubt, anxiety, and complications along the way.
How can it be that the entire community is not one massive support group joining together to solve the many problems associated with the "crisis"? How can it be that the most we can get out of most people is empty pontifications on what "needs to be done", but hardly anyone is doing anything? How can it be that those few who are being moser nefesh to do something are met mostly with cynicism and even resistance?
And how can it be that singles themselves are so passive, so spiritless, so defeated, and, worst of all, so self-centered? How is it that anyone who doesn't feel personally affected by the problems doesn't care, and those who are most personally affected by the problems believe davening, posting anonymous messages on the Internet, and waiting for a shadchan to call them qualify as adequate hishtadlus?
Madness!
I think ETM has been extremely influential in slowly shaping the views of the community, but it's my strong impression that the community (particularly observant singles) is still not ready to support events. No one (save a scant few involved with ETM and other organizations) is stepping forward to organize them, and singles aren't sufficiently supporting the events that are created. They'd still rather sit back and wait to be set up.
One thing we have accomplished is neutralizing much of the opposition toward mixed gatherings. It just doesn't seem to be nearly as controversial as it was when ETM started. But we're not yet seeing mixed gatherings embraced and enthusiastically supported by singles.
I've also seen more and more voices speaking out about labels. I still stand pretty much alone in arguing that they should be eliminated entirely, but more people are now coming up with the chiddush that labels have a downside. The argument of the label-supporters is no longer that labels are ideal, but that they are "helpful" or "a necessary evil" (why should any evil be necessary?).
It seems more people are open to mixed seating at weddings as well.
The ice is starting to melt, and that's tremendous. But I'm extremely disappointed by this widespread apathy, self-centeredness, and general lack of spirit. People just don't care nearly enough. They have the energy to complain, put people down, and argue why something shouldn't be done, but that's about where their energy ends.
I wouldn't be surprised if this message receives a host of cynical responses attempting to turn the tables on me in one way or another. Go ahead. Take your best shots.
Others might praise me and ETM for all that we have done and continue to do. Fantastic. You're welcome. Thanks for noticing.
But I don't really care about any of that. What I'd like to see is some signs of life. There are shuls willing to host events. There are resources available to help get ideas off the ground. There are opportunities to make things better. Is anyone else out there?
If not, we'll keep doing our good work, and will continue to keep the lights on for anyone who removes the blinders.
Chananya
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